After Gov. Tina Kotek took office last year, she tasked each state agency to make a commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) and to improve the customer service we provide as public servants to Oregon residents. A communications technique called the “Pillow Method” can help with both directives by helping us build awareness of different perspectives, improve communication, increase empathy, de-escalate conflict, and improve the odds of achieving win-win outcomes by encouraging healthy compromise.
The pillow method was created by communication professors Ronald Adler and Russell Proctor. In their book “Looking Out, Looking In,” they describe how it can be used to break out of the egocentric position “I’m right, and you’re wrong” (which often fuels conflict). They named it the pillow method because, like a pillow, an argument has four sides and a middle. Each side is labeled:
This video demonstrates how the pillow method might unfold in practice.
- The first side is characterized by the position that “I’m right, you’re wrong.” This is typically the root of a lot of conflict: We “know” that we are right and they are wrong. The pillow method encourages us to analyze other perspectives.
- The second side is “You’re right, I’m wrong.” What about the other person’s position can we accept as being right? What aspects of our stance can we accept are wrong? The conflict might even be resolved if it stems from a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication.
- The third side is “We are both right, we are both wrong.” What part of our positions are right and which are wrong? This step acknowledges complexity; within any conflict there exists a nuanced interplay of truths and misunderstandings. Both parties may hold valid perspectives while also being misguided or misinformed in other areas. After thoroughly examining the perspectives presented in the first two sides of the pillow, this step helps us discern areas of mutual agreement and disagreement which can pave the way for deeper understanding and consensus.
- Is it possible “the issue isn’t as important as it seems?” Could we be better served by developing areas of agreement or offering or accepting some concessions?
- The final step is to consider the middle of the pillow: “What truths are in all four perspectives?” We integrate our observations and contemplate the complexities of truth from the four previous sides. Hopefully, we can move forward with empathy, knowledge, and wisdom.
In our professional lives, the pillow method improves customer service and communication by encouraging active listening and critical analysis. It helps us problem solve and build empathy by understanding the complexities of the situation and considering the other person’s needs and point of view.
DEI conversations, at times, might become challenging. The pillow method benefits our conversations by increasing empathy, active listening, clear communication, and awareness of other perspectives.
In DEI Crucial Conversations, transparent and respectful communication is essential for people to feel psychologically safe, share experiences, and ask questions. All are invited to the table; there are only six basic rules grounded in respect, clear communication, curiosity, and empathy:
- Assume good intentions (and bring them, too).
- Be here and be engaged.
- Step up and step back. Don’t be afraid to speak and know when to allow others to speak.
- Listen to learn and ask to understand.
- Be sensitive.
- Value differences and appreciate similarities.
Conflict is inevitable. It can be contentious and destructive or fuel positive change and progress. The pillow method is a beneficial tool for working through conflict, which makes us stronger and more resilient, and promotes unity – fundamental aspects for building a more compassionate and cohesive community where everyone is valued – both professionally and in our conversations about diversity, equity, and inclusion.